Rules Without Relationship

This is the second guest post from the D6 Conference by Josh Kellar.

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I leaned over to my friend sitting next to me at the D6 conference and asked, “Have you ever heard this guy?” He gave me a skeptical, “no” with an eyebrow raised right about the time an older gentleman in a wildly colorful shirt approached the microphone. “He’s so fun-,” I began but was interrupted by Dr. Kevin Leman’s first words, “I’m colorblind.” The audience chuckled and settled into their seats, excited that the second day of the main conference was beginning with a laugh.

How do we get our children and teenagers to understand the authority of the parent and the ultimate authority of God in the home? “Give your kids a little vitamin ‘N’,” Dr. Leman would interject into one of his role-plays of a 4 year old asking for a cookie. “An unhappy child is a healthy child.” The time seemed to pass too quickly.  I had to look back to the gigantic screen to remind myself the question he was addressing.  

While Dr. Leman’s address was light-hearted, the question is one of enormous magnitude.  The rising generation seems to be going through a fundamental shift in their view of authority.  Pinpointing the reasons behind the change did not seem to concern Dr. Leman.  He didn’t look or talk like someone who desired to philosophize on the post-modern paradigm.  His advice was simple and practical. “Rules without relationship lead to rebellion.”  The takeaway was manageable.  Dr. Leman gives parents the permission to assume an authoritative role but cautions parents to only use it through a healthy relationship with their child.

A healthy relationship for Dr. Leman is one where boundaries present clear lines of who is in charge. “If you bring up a kid thinking he is the center of the universe there’s no room for God.” The connection he made was simple.  If parents do not assume an authoritative role in their home, children grow up thinking they are their own authority figure.  This leaves little room for God as a voice to be listened to.  Being an authority is not simply about exerting power over our children.  When we tell children, “no” and establish boundaries, they learn that there are expectations of them.  Failing to live by these expectations produces consequences.  When parents fail to establish boundaries and carry out consequences, the hidden message communicated to the child is that they can live by their own set of rules.  If there are no consequences for a parent’s rules, children are not going to learn that there consequences for sin. This rules out a need for God’s grace and in turn a need of a savior. 

“Hey! Would you kids turn that TV down! I’m trying to do your homework!”

A world where kids are the center of the universe puts kids in the position of authority.  Parenting through boundaries and relationship not only helps kids understand the authority of the parent but sets the child up to know the ultimate that God is the all-powerful one.

Josh Kellar is the Children’s Minister with the Fourth Avenue Church in Franklin, TN.  He enjoys listening to God on the journey of parenting. He blogs at www.joshuakellar.blogspot.com