Nice Guys and Pornography

The effects of pornography are present even though pornography often happens in isolation. What is in the dark will become evident in the light and the lure of pornography is that one can escape into the darkness and not be found until...

Your nice guy syndrome is revealed. 

Nice guys are often crippled by the damaging effects of always taking care of everybody else. This creates a people pleasing anxiety for men and causes the nice guys to wear mask. Wearing the mask of people pleasing allows men to appear like they are caring and selfless, but behind the mask is the darkness of his loneliness and isolation.

When Mr. Nice Guy is pleasing others his thought process leads him to think about ways that he can take care of himself. On a cognitive level he may not process the event in this order, but emotionally he is feeling empty, because he is always pleasing others. This emptiness leads to a false reality and a false choice of choosing pornography over intimate relationships.

The path out of the nice guy syndrome and pornography is walking towards a relationship and becoming open and vulnerable despite what others may think. Being transparent and honest in relationships will lead to long term satisfaction. The darkness of pornography will continue to lead to short term gratification and disappointment, which will be exposed one day when your nice guy syndrome is revealed.


(Photo:eskim0j0 ) 

First Generation of Internet Users

Covenant Eyes is a leader in helping individuals find sexual purity. The following comes from one of their blog post:

Dr. Patrick Carnes, a leading national expert and author on pornography addiction, warns that America has a “social tsunami” coming. This first generation that has grown up with the Internet is now trying to form marriages, and some are finding they’re handicapped in their ability to form true, lasting intimacy within their relationships due to long-term exposure to pornography. 

One of my papers I wrote while I was working on my MS in Marriage and Family Therapy was the "Sexualization of America" and Dr. Carnes is spot on when he states a "social tsunami" is unfolding. 

My desire is to write a series of blog post on the cognitive and emotional level about pornography and sexual purity. I know this subject is not widely talked about, but I believe it is a subject that needs to be addressed as this first generation of Internet users try to navigate the future of intimate relationships.

What concerns you about the first generation of Internet users?

My Pa was a Fighter

My granddad (Pa) was diagnosed with Muscular Dystrophy in the late 1970's. He was not expected to live very long after his diagnoses. He was a fighter and an encourager to all who met him. He never whined or complained nor was he concerned with his predicament of losing all of his muscles right up until his death. No, he choose to use his muscles and live life to the fullest. I have many fond memories of my granddad. I am not sure what it is exactly, but even today 10 years after his death he inspires me to be a better man, husband, and a future father.

I will try to write more about him because his story deserves to be told. In fact you may even be confused about MD and not know much about how a man in adulthood can be diagnosed with MD.

Well, let me scan in a few pictures and wipe the tears away and tell you his story.

What to give your wife for Valentines?

Give your wife a gift of purity.

Confess to your wife that she is the desire of your heart.

Humble yourself before her and ask for her forgiveness.

Commit to her that you will not lust after any other woman.

Don't mask over impurity with roses, chocolates, and jewelry.

The truth will eventually reveal itself. Come out into the light this Valentines Day and step up to the role of being a warrior for your wife and family.

If you are struggling with purity and desire to give your wife a pure heart seek out a professional counselor, books, and a group of men who are radically committed to purity.

You may want to check out these free ebooks.

Other good resources to check out:

"The Game Plan" by Joe Dallas

"Sex is Not the Problem" by Joshua Harris

"Hope After Betrayal" by Meg Wilson

"Out of the Shadows" by Patrick Carnes

"Healing the Wounds of Sexual Addiction" by Mark Laaser



(Picture: sxc jaylopez)

Mack Brown's Burden...?

Many of us have experienced the pain of wanting to win the approval of our parents and specifically our fathers. Take a few minutes and let Mack Brown's experience resonate in your heart and mind if you are running after someone's approval, but possibly have not realized it yet.

ESPN by Pat Ford

In a rare interview a couple of years ago, Sally Brown said, "I feel like everyone has something they carry with them that's their burden."

I asked her this week what Mack's burden is.

She thought for a moment and said, "Probably pleasing his father. Mack grew up in a wonderful little 'Ozzie and Harriet' family, but his dad was real hard on him."

Complete story by Pat Ford at ESPN

Living in the Trap of Pornography: FREE Resources

Possibly you are sick and tired of playing the game and know it is time to start a journey of healing from sexual addiction. May the resources found on the Internet be used to set you free from captivity.

Free PDF Resources for those who are struggling with pornography.

(Image: yejit)


These resources can be found online at various sites. I wanted to make them available here for you to use to eliminate time on the Internet looking for resources. I hope they will benefit you and your relationships. They are not perfect or complete articles, but I hope they will be a tool or a catalyst for you on the journey. Please check back as these PDF resources grow.



Idols of the Heart and Vanity Fair by David Powlinson

Sexual Detox: A Guide for Single Men by Tim Challies

Sexual Detox: A Guide for Married Men by Tim Challies

Porn Again Christian: A Frank Discussion on Pornography and Masturbation by Mark Driscoll

How to Care for a Christian with a Porn Addiction by Rick Thomas

Effects of Porn on The Family by Patrick Fagan


Book Resources (Coming in the near future)

What did Jonah pray for inside the fish?

This is one aspect of his pray that has been on my heart and especially on my mind after reading David Powlinson article "Idols of the Heart and Vanity Fair."

"Those who cling to worthless idols forfeit the grace that could be theirs."

Jonah 2:8



(Image: PJ Taylor Photo)

Football and Life: He Ain't Heavy He's My Brother

Visit msnbc.com for Breaking News, World News, and News about the Economy

What keys do you have in your pocket?

Get your keys out of your pursue or pocket.

What do you notice?

There is key to the car, house, and workplace and for some, the keys are multiplied by two or three because we pride ourselves in consuming and protecting.

All of these keys have a purpose.

The phrase the "key to success" is common in our vernacular. Meaning you have a tool (your key) and using this tool will open up the doors of possibility and success.

What if we turned this around within the context of relationships? Most of us don't need more tools of communication, or the how to of "this and that." We may need to focus on the key that is working and use that key more often.

Let me explain. To often relationships start to experience disappointments because we stop using the keys that have worked to have a healthy functioning relationship. We do not need another marriage book, parenting book, or self help book (at least for a season in life). Possibly what we need is to discover times when we had success in our marriage and relationships and start reusing those keys. Maybe you need help finding those keys to your relationships. Here is one question to get you started.

• What is working right now within your relationships (parent, marriage, friend, etc) that you would like to continue?

It's "Just" a Vacuum Cleaner...Right?

Recently I have noticed that our vacuum cleaner has not be working properly or at least satisfactory. A few months ago there was a clog in the vacuum that needed to be cleaned out, so I cleaned it out. We continued to vacuum our house attempting to keep Cooper's hair and dirt off the carpet. I have had intentions off taking the vacuum apart and cleaning out the caked on dust and other various particles around the brush and air intake. Why would I really want to take time to clean and maintain a simple piece of equipment, it is "just" a vacuum cleaner.

Let's just say I finally got around to it and realized our vacuum needed a major cleaning and tune up. The belt was wore out, the roller brush was nasty, and the inner compartment of the vacuum cleaner was a nightmare. (Thanks to the simplicity and durability of having a Oreck vacuum this process went relatively smooth.) I went to the local Oreck store and got a new belt and roller brush finished cleaning the vacuum and reassembled the parts. For a few bucks and a little time my ROI or return on investment is outstanding. The vacuum cleaner appears to be working as it should.

So what's the big deal? It's "just" a vacuum cleaner.

Well, this is much like our life, marriage, family and other relationships. We keep the vacuum running smooth our house stays clean. The vacuum breaks our house gets dirty.

• We notice there may be a problem. At this point we often ignore the problem or wait until a crisis happens to dig deeper into the problem.
• We procrastinate at "house cleaning" our souls and relationships.
  
• We have noble intentions. Intentions are not the same as action.
• We finally awake to the problem and disassemble ourselves for further cleaning our investigation.
• We realize there are a few components that are wore out and need replaced.
• We take action on the replacement parts.
• We then feel the satisfaction about our ROI because things are back to normal.
  

What parts of your life are you ignoring? It's "just" your life.

Don't wait until you have to buy a new vacuum cleaner start today maintaining and tuning up your life.

Triathlon is great, friends are better!

"But you, man of God, flee from all this, and pursue righteousness, godliness, faith, love, endurance* and gentleness." I Tim. 6:11

The past weekend was a memorable weekend in several ways.

The triathlon has been a goal in waiting for almost three years, possibly more. Now that goal is complete. However, I have caught the triathlon bug and cannot wait until the next one.

There was an extreme amount of joy and satisfaction that came for all of us as we completed the Pumpkinman Triathlon in Bouulder City on Saturday. Words cannot express how one feels after completing his or her first triathlon.

This weekend has created momentum for all us to do another triathlon and at least try to get together and do one a year. In the big picture of our walk with God there are countless parallels* to make about a triathlon. I pray that this past weekend will lead us closer to gather as men on a journey to be Christ like and lead us closer to Him as we reflect the fullness of God and endure* until the end comes.


*This is the first of several mentions about our journey with Christ as it relates to a triathlon.

Do you have iron?

Do you have men in your life who lead you closer to the cross of Christ and hold you accountable in your daily walk?

From left to right; Daniel, John, me, Anthony. (Picture from San Francisco. Last time all of us were together at the same time. 4 years ago.)

We have been close knit band of brothers since our days at Lubbock Christian University. Not going to bore you with all the stories and details of four guys living together. However, ask me sometime about the fireworks that we set off in Anthony's rooom while he was sleeping. Oh, the memories!

Over the next few days we look to add to our story of life together. They are arriving today in Las Vegas for several days of fun and adventure. Their wives Natalie (Daniel), Crysty (John), and Sunshine is Anthony's serious friend, ie not his wife, yet!

I am reminded today of Proverbs 27:17, "As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another."

May God bless our time together as we all sharpen one another. And may He watch over us so we don't drown in the Triathlon on Saturday.

Raising A New Generation of Males

We are bombarded every day with sexualized messages and images that are selling lies and false pretenses about sexuality. Not sure who is at greater risk with these messages; males or females? Possibly there is not necessarily a greater risk, but a greater tragedy that continues to unfold for both males and females.

We continue to spend more and more time behind a screen via the computer, TV, phone, and portable gaming systems. The net result is less and less time searching and playing in the wonder of God's creation. The screens in front of our eyes are not going anywhere and I am not advocating the ban of media, but instead a venue to enter into the world of media and walk away with a better understanding.

How can you enter into a conversation with your son about the uneccessary commercials that come on during TV, in which they are not selling women's lingerie, but instead they are sexualizing and selling women?

What can you do to combat the growing narcissism of adolescents and young adults who watch every move of our favorite athlete or movie star?

Why does it appear in light of a feminist movement that men and boys (possibly one in the same for some) do not have a desire to lead and step up to masculinity?


Here are three things we can all do to help cultivate and raise a new generation of males;

1. Have open and honest dialogue, which will mean we as adults need to become more transparent in our struggle to overcome the flesh of the world.
2. Value your son and affirm him as he grows into manhood.
3. Look for opportunities to humbly enter their world as you watch and listen to the media and grow together to be able to discern what the media is portraying.
   

For further insight look at Fuller's October e-journal release of Leading Guy's to Purpose.

To gain understanding of how the dangers of media and what Dr. Drew Pinsky has titled the Mirror Effect is affecting us all you can grab the book at the library.

Walk Without the iPod

I often see couples who appear to be married out on walks with the kids, dogs, or possibly just taking an evening stroll after dinner.

Great idea, right? "Honey let's go on a walk."

What I have observed is that many couples who are on walks have their stupid earbuds stuck in their ears. Of course they are in the ears, that is where earbuds go.

The eardbuds are not the problem. The problem is that someone made a decision to take their iPod with them on their walk.

Can we not unplug for 30 minutes?

So I want to applaud the couple (who is not reading this blog) that was walking this morning with their earbuds draped over their shoulder. They probably realized that they either needed to connect with one another or they had some "issues" to discuss. Either way they got their earbuds out of their ears and hopefully started listening to someone more important than their song they were listening to.

Are you listening to the person you care about?

Go, disconnect and listen.

Fathered by God Book Review

In 2001 I read a book that changed my life forever and possibly sent me into this desire to read books that will lead me closer to God and enrich my life and others along the way. John Eldredge wrote Wild at Heart which was the catalyst in my life and this book has transformed many lives since its debut. Eldredge has several other books out but the essence of all his books rest in his best work of Wild at Heart.
I have recommended Wild at Heart to all my friends and in several counseling sessions. If you have not read Wild at Heart you need to read that one first before you dive into Fathered by God.

Fathered by God was not life changing or altering for me, but John laid out a well developed thesis of the stages of a holistic man. The book was first published as the Way of the Wild Heart, but he felt the book was not understood by his intended audience as he planned. He reworked the book and republished as the new title, Fathered by God. This book has allowed me to slow down and look at the big picture of my personal life and aspects of the journey cannot happen until a certain "phase" is completed or understood.

One aspect of John's book that I find myself getting jealous about and often upset at is his portrayal that you have to live in the mountains of Colorado in order to be a "man." I know this is not his intention, but he paints a picture from his own journey that unless you climb of fly fish than you may not be a manly man. I am not going to lie, I would love to live in the mountains of Colorado and be on a adventure everyday. There is a adventure to live anywhere you may live. You have to be intentional to create the adventure and get outdoors. In essence he is trying to direct men to get outdoors and his outdoor experience is based in Colorado.

To be totally transparent. I am jealous that I have not had similar adventures until recent. I have climbed mountains, repelled a 200 ft cliff, and find myself yearning to get out more often. So possibly I get upset because I wish I would have had these experiences earlier in life.

My Father is God and I know he has a plan for me. We are all on a journey and we have to allow Him to mold and shape us in His image.

It's Really Not About the Garage

I have been wanting to organize the garage for a while, but shelves are too expensive and they are not worth the price. I created the shelves on the right using; particle board, 2x4's and Simpson Strong Tie Connector known as RTC-24. This is far more reasonable and will last a few generations compared to the plastic shelves that one would buy at Walmart. Did I mention all the wood was recycled from another home. Nothing like being green when building shelves and probably saved at least $100 for all the wood I did have. Not to mention I resold the wood that I did not use at my cost of $20. Not a bad investment; buy, use what you need, resell for the same price.


The DIY project reminded me of the good ole days of wood shop in high school and many familiar days renovating a 1906 house with my parents. I thoroughly enjoyed the project not because of the shelves or organizing the garage, but because of accomplishing something with my own hands and seeing the immediate work or gratification one can have when getting dirty.

As the saying goes; "Let's build something together." (Not to mention the excuses one can make to go to Home Depot or Lowe's when working on a DIY.)

I would tell you more about the project, but it is not nearly as fun writing about it as it is doing it.

You Never Outgrow Learning from Others

We recently got to Solomon in our chronological reading through the Bible in a year and I am reminded of the simplicity of leadership; continue learning to grow in wisdom to bless others.

Many times we stop growing because we think we have arrived at a particular destination and now everyone is to learn from us.

However, great leaders continue learning to gain wisdom and insight like Solomon, he sought the Lord for wise counsel and asked the Lord to give him discernment so he could lead and learn from others.

Have you stopped learning from others?

Do you think you have arrived at a particular 'final' destination where there is little value of learning from others?

Learning comes from asking questions of others and seeking the counsel of God.

May you bless others by learning from their wisdom.

What crown matters?

This news story is getting crazy.

Father, help me to strive towards you and not towards the world. Help me to walk out Christ teaching and look towards the only crown that matters. Amen

Who were you pulling for in the Masters?

I was cheering for Kenny Perry and Chad Campbell.

I had the opportunity to meet Kenny Perry a few years ago and I can truly say this is a man that is walking with God.

My friend Bobby Ross Jr posted great information about these two guys and you will understand why I was cheering for them after you read his post.

What is sexting?

How would you respond if your son received an unwanted nude photo from a classmate?

Two years ago I found out from guys in the youth group that girls would send nude pictures of themselves to guys in their local high school. At the time there was no known word for this new phenomenon. Thanks to Satan and the growing trend we now call this sexting.

Recently CBS did a news report on this craze called sexting. The young men who were battling this two years ago still get unwanted pictures on their cell phones.

How do we reach these young women who are prostituting themselves by sending nude pictures to guys?

Also how do the young men fight the battle of getting unwanted pictures on their cell phones?

Isaiah 61:1

"The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me, because the LORD has anointed me to preach good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners..."

Many have become prisoners of their own soul because of their broken hearts. Go today and set them free through the power of knowing Christ.