The Marriage Drift by David Goetz

 Here are a few quick quotes from a great article that everyone needs to read. If you don't invest in your marriage any other way this year read this article and contemplate the deep issues of your marriage.


"That's why the pursuit of marriage needs to be intentional. Because if you default to the values of our culture, you'll pursue the sprawling house, the great body, the accomplished kids. But you'll let your marriage drift."


"We do something only if it has concrete results. I pray about my marriage, but as soon as my husband doesn't meet my needs, I react as if my spiritual discipline has failed."


"There are two ways people change. One is through contemplative prayer, through making space for God in our lives. It isn't a direct correlation, but we learn about God, and about our own motives. But most of us don't pray. Let's face it. So how are we going to learn? The only other way is through suffering. And often men don't learn this until after the wife is gone."


"But many people design their own suffering by creating an environment in which they don't initiate. They create a passive-aggressive marriage. They create a marriage in which there's always some subtext as opposed to being open and honest and authentic."

Read the article for the entire context and understanding. 
 

Book Review: Your Love Path

Your LovePath

Joe Beam is a nationally recognized speaker and leader for marriages across the country. He is the creator of Love Path International  and founded Family Dynamics. (Fair trade disclosure: Joe sent this book to me a few weeks ago for a review and linking to his seminar of Love Path International.)

This has less to do with the book and the content of the book, but more so of what I continue to find among marriage, family, and self-help books. Most of them seem to lean heavily towards cognitive understanding and transformation and lack reaching the reader on an emotional level. That does not mean that this is not a good book. There is a huge need for cognitive restructuring when looking to improve one self or marriage.

Your LovePath is a great book to read and will lead you in the right direction to an intimate marriage. Joe does an outstanding job of making the material accessible to all readers. He combines his experience with saving marriages and evidence based research from guys like John Gottman. He weaves a few narrative examples throughout the book of couples that he has worked with and how they have implemented the steps in their marriage to save it from destruction. One of the highlights of the book is the chapter summary that you can review periodically to check and make sure you and your spouse are on the right path. This is one of the best books about marriage that cuts trough the "noise" and offers practical steps for all marriages. 

This book will get your marriage on the right path, but please understand one must do the work that Joe lays out in Your LovePath.If your marriage is on the brink of disaster check out his resources for seminars in Nashville, TN.

Family Dynamics Lives Up to the Name

My expectations for conferences, non-profits, and training seminars has been pushed to the next level thanks to the people at Family Dynamics and there passion for creating a unique environment for marriages to be "dynamic."

Jessica and I went this past weekend to a facilitator training and were totally impressed that we cannot help, but think about our future marriage and helping other marriages as well. How is it possible to go to a conference not knowing anyone and leave the conference feeling as if you have a deep connection with people? Why would we be willing to share with strangers about our marriage struggles and joys? Well, the unique approach combines cognitive learning with experimental learning and when these two collide together it creates the perfect catalyst for good marriages to become great and ok marriages to go to the next level. It is unlike anything I have experienced. Yes, I have been to marriage conferences. I am a cynic when it comes to retreats, and "life changing" mountain top experiences. Yes, I am a counselor and have been to counseling and this is more than counseling. I believe every marriage across the nation should attend this 8-week class. This will have an impact not only on you, but your entire family.


Who should use the material from Family Dynamic?
This material needs to be used by every church, church plant, non profit, counselors, and any agency wanting to strengthen marriage.

What one thing could someone do to enhance their marriage?
Attend a Dynamic Marriage class in your area.

What if I am not trying to enhance my marriage, but save it from disaster?
Go to a Save My Marriage intensive 3 day conference.

What if I have a desire for marriages what can I do?
Become a Dynamic Marriage facilitators.

I look forward to our new partnership together and the lives that will be changed by Family Dynamics.

Why should I invest in my marriage?

Last Friday night, right before I got smacked down with body aches, chills and a fever Jessica and I spent some time reading His Needs Her Needs and doing some worksheets together to invest in our marriage. This is not only for our marriage, but yours as well as we learn how to become facilitators of a Dynamic Marriage.

Take some time this year to invest in your marriage. Read a book and discuss it together. Find a workshop or seminar in your area to attend together. Even consider seeing a counselor for a few sessions. This small investment this year in your marriage will pay off huge dividends in the weeks and years to come.

You can not expect your marriage to change by doing the same thing. You are not crazy or weird if you go to a counselor. Marriage is a joy, but marriage can be emotionally exhausting if you are not growing individually and together.

You take your car in for an oil change and mainteance or maybe you even DIY. Well, why would you not do the same for your marriage?

Invest...change the oil...do something this year to have a Dynamic Marriage.

(Photo: shho)

Do you think it will ever change?

Last night Jessica asked me "Do you ever think there will be a change in Christians getting a divorce?" Yes and no. We live in a world of sin and often as Christians we don't even confront our own sin, which leads to repentance and realizing God's sovereign grace. There has got to be a radical change in our churches and communities about divorce, marriage and relationships in general. I went on to talk about the need for understanding, teaching, and modeling of healthy relationships.

Let's face it, we have all been an emotional train wreck at some point in our life. Where did you go? Who did you turn to? Was there a relationship in your life you could find support and empathy? I am not convinced that people know how to handle his or her emotions and become self aware of the deeper pain and issue of our need for a Savior. We turn to many various forms of sin to mask our emotional pain and the veneer of healing. Unfortunately because our hurts happen through relationships, we put walls to the healing that comes from relationships.

There must be a change in our churches across the nation to become a place of wounded healers. A place were we do not simply wipe the tears away and add on "I'll pray for you." Seems like to me there are people who desire relationships within our church walls, but few who reciprocate.

I desire community. I desire a place for wounded healers. I desire for a change in Christian marriages. I desire to be in relationship with God and others.

What are your thoughts about the Christian divorce rate?


(Photo: SXC)

Spice Up Your Life and Marriage

Do you look for ways to save money in your family?

Have you tried to be creative on a date and failed?

Do you like to eat good food with your spouse?

Would you like a more meaningful and intimate relationship with your spouse?

My guess is that you at least answered yes to 3 of the 4 questions and more than likely answered YES to all 4.

Here is a few quick steps to create an environment to connect with your spouse, while understanding the importance of intention and actions.

We often become mindless in our relationships to one another and neglect the importance of living with thoughtful actions for one another. Of course we all fall into the category of thinking about doing something meaningful for our significant other and we live our lives with good intentions. However, if there is no follow through on your intentions then you are lacking true connection and spice in your life and marriage.

Our marriages and relationship often become based on a false reality of judging ourselves by our intentions, but we judge others by their actions. So, if this is true then how are others judging you? Yep, that's right they are judging you by your actions or lack thereof.

Spicing up your life and marriage is as simple as moving from thoughtful intentions to meaningful actions.

Here is a sure fire way to start living out your intentions by adding a little spice.

This could happen over the course of two weeks possibly depending on time and varying levels to make if fit for you. (This is a template to get you started not a rule book.)

Go to your local bookstore and spend the evening in the cookbook section with your spouse. The goal and purpose of this first encounter together is to locate a cookbook for your spouse with recipes they would enjoy, but are different from your typical meals or restaurant you may frequent. You will share with one another why you picked the particular book and recipes. You could get very specific at this point and describe how each course of the menu reminds them of your spouse. After sharing the book and recipes together, mutually decide on which cookbook to buy to plan a meal for the following week. This book will serve you for many months and years to come, it is a small investment into your marriage.

During the week depending on schedules, activities, and daily lives plan another evening shopping together for the menu for your special night. This may be an enlightening period for you depending on your shopping habits and routines. Allow flexibility, patience, and understanding to permeate the shopping experience. Remember this is building meaningful and thoughtful action, not just a quick trip to the store together.

At this point hopefully you have already planned the special night that both of you will spend in the kitchen together sizzling up the finest cuisine in town that no money can buy. Lighten up and have fun. If you screw the meal up who cares, it makes a memorable story. Have fun and spice up the night.

Over the course of a two week period of time you have made several meaningful connections with your spouse that engages all the senses and relational needs. Now your intentions have become a reality by following a simple way to a more fulfilling and dynamic marriage.

May these quick tips and education allow you to live out your intentions while fulfilling the needs and desires of your spouse.

(Photo: wmstadler)

The Language of Love and Respect: Book Review

The Language of Love and Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs
Cracking the Communication Code with Your Mate

Really, 300 pages over communication with your spouse could have been easily cut to 150 pages. This a good practical book, but is wordy. Dr. Emerson Eggerichs bases this book off of his popular Love and Respect book and seminars and has some good little nuggets, but easily gets overlooked in the length of the book.

As a growing Marriage and Family Therapist I try to stay aware of good books to recommended outside the counseling time with clients. This book does not make the list. Not that the book is invaluable, but if communication is the issue being addressed more words does not mean that you have communicated to your audience effectively.

Dr. Eggerichs comes across very sincere and practical in his writing style, but overuses the 1st person analogy, stories, and anecdotes. At times I feel as if he is trying to applaud the success of the Love and Respect principal. I do not doubt or discredit any of his work, but this book would serve others better if the length of the book was cut.

However, this book will benefit my personal understanding of the Love and Respect principal found in Ephesians 5:33 and I will be able to use the practical side of some of his acronym's he uses to help couples focus, but would not pass this book on to others.

This is another Thomas Nelson Book Review.

(Or better known as BookSneeze.com as of today Jan 12, 2010)

Celebrating 5 Years of Marriage

At the sight of seeing my lovely bride appear from the stairs I felt every possible emotion run through my body for several minutes.

There is nothing that compares to that day of being untied with Jessica in our martial covenant with one another and with God.

And today I am blessed to be more in love with her today than I was 5 years ago.

As I have said before she is the best gift this side of the cross and I am reminded of God's love for me as it reflects through her.





Thanks Jess for being my best friend!


















Man, I sure did get the better end of the deal.

The Masculine Side of Playing Jenga

Let's admit guys, sometimes we are pretty lame at being intentional with our wives and connecting with them throughout the week. We excel during different seasons of life, of romancing our wives and rescuing their hearts.

Then there are times when we get lazy or mindless. This could be blamed on various issues starting with football, ESPN, and simply selfishness.

Take some time this week to get that masculine side of you out and build a game of Jenga with your wife. You get to build something and destroy it with your own hands. You can repeat this over and over and it will never cost you more than $15. Opposed to the countless things we think we can build and end up spending more money to fix whatever we broke.

(Image by CarbonNYC)

Your wife may not enjoy the art of Jenga as much, but she we will enjoy the art of you asking her to spend intentional time with her. Besides if she is competitive she will probably end up beating you anyway. Jenga only takes a few minutes in the comfort of your home, but the act and art of being with your wife will last all week.

What keys do you have in your pocket?

Get your keys out of your pursue or pocket.

What do you notice?

There is key to the car, house, and workplace and for some, the keys are multiplied by two or three because we pride ourselves in consuming and protecting.

All of these keys have a purpose.

The phrase the "key to success" is common in our vernacular. Meaning you have a tool (your key) and using this tool will open up the doors of possibility and success.

What if we turned this around within the context of relationships? Most of us don't need more tools of communication, or the how to of "this and that." We may need to focus on the key that is working and use that key more often.

Let me explain. To often relationships start to experience disappointments because we stop using the keys that have worked to have a healthy functioning relationship. We do not need another marriage book, parenting book, or self help book (at least for a season in life). Possibly what we need is to discover times when we had success in our marriage and relationships and start reusing those keys. Maybe you need help finding those keys to your relationships. Here is one question to get you started.

• What is working right now within your relationships (parent, marriage, friend, etc) that you would like to continue?

It's "Just" a Vacuum Cleaner...Right?

Recently I have noticed that our vacuum cleaner has not be working properly or at least satisfactory. A few months ago there was a clog in the vacuum that needed to be cleaned out, so I cleaned it out. We continued to vacuum our house attempting to keep Cooper's hair and dirt off the carpet. I have had intentions off taking the vacuum apart and cleaning out the caked on dust and other various particles around the brush and air intake. Why would I really want to take time to clean and maintain a simple piece of equipment, it is "just" a vacuum cleaner.

Let's just say I finally got around to it and realized our vacuum needed a major cleaning and tune up. The belt was wore out, the roller brush was nasty, and the inner compartment of the vacuum cleaner was a nightmare. (Thanks to the simplicity and durability of having a Oreck vacuum this process went relatively smooth.) I went to the local Oreck store and got a new belt and roller brush finished cleaning the vacuum and reassembled the parts. For a few bucks and a little time my ROI or return on investment is outstanding. The vacuum cleaner appears to be working as it should.

So what's the big deal? It's "just" a vacuum cleaner.

Well, this is much like our life, marriage, family and other relationships. We keep the vacuum running smooth our house stays clean. The vacuum breaks our house gets dirty.

• We notice there may be a problem. At this point we often ignore the problem or wait until a crisis happens to dig deeper into the problem.
• We procrastinate at "house cleaning" our souls and relationships.
  
• We have noble intentions. Intentions are not the same as action.
• We finally awake to the problem and disassemble ourselves for further cleaning our investigation.
• We realize there are a few components that are wore out and need replaced.
• We take action on the replacement parts.
• We then feel the satisfaction about our ROI because things are back to normal.
  

What parts of your life are you ignoring? It's "just" your life.

Don't wait until you have to buy a new vacuum cleaner start today maintaining and tuning up your life.

Listen to Your Lady Video

Listen to Your Lady from Central Films on Vimeo.

Essence of His Brain Her Brain

"The Creator's plan is that his brain is designed to truly love, honor, nourish and cherish his spouse."

"The Creator's plan for her brain is designed to truly respect, admire, and encourage her spouse."

His Brain Her Brain by Walt and Barb Larimore

This book is filled with helpful insight to "divine design" of how God created us unique in our own way so that our marriage would be more dynamic and representative of His intended purpose in the garden. Walt does an excellent job keeping the scientific facts and evidence clear and understandable for the layperson as well as the counselor. Is this the best book to recommend to those who are needing guidance in their marriage? Not sure. Do you like learning about chemicals in the brain and how it affects us in one way or another? Then this is a good read. Part 1 and Part 2 of the book are devoted to building a foundation of the scientific evidence of his and her brain. This is not a textbook or dry science, Walt and Barb pieced interactive stories throughout the book to keep it moving towards pragmatics. Yes, males and females are different, but this book allows you to see how this will help or hinder your marriage according to our brains.

Singing a Love Song

You must do more than sing a love song.

In Ezekiel 33:32, the verse speaks of a lover playing a love song, but does not actually have love.

In your relationships and life you must seek to put in practice the love that you proclaim.

If you say you have a desire to restore your marriage, then act on that desire.

A marriage cannot be restored by sitting around being critical of one another.

Are you acting on your love song?

Walk Without the iPod

I often see couples who appear to be married out on walks with the kids, dogs, or possibly just taking an evening stroll after dinner.

Great idea, right? "Honey let's go on a walk."

What I have observed is that many couples who are on walks have their stupid earbuds stuck in their ears. Of course they are in the ears, that is where earbuds go.

The eardbuds are not the problem. The problem is that someone made a decision to take their iPod with them on their walk.

Can we not unplug for 30 minutes?

So I want to applaud the couple (who is not reading this blog) that was walking this morning with their earbuds draped over their shoulder. They probably realized that they either needed to connect with one another or they had some "issues" to discuss. Either way they got their earbuds out of their ears and hopefully started listening to someone more important than their song they were listening to.

Are you listening to the person you care about?

Go, disconnect and listen.

Guys Get Real--What Your Wife Wants

After over 500 hours of counseling session and patiently anticipating approval by the Nevada Marriage and Family Board for licensed internship status I have come to realize a few things and I want to humbly address one today.

And I must admit I am not good at it (the one thing), but I strive to grow each day.

Husbands, what your wife wants is to feel like she is a prized possession. Period. She wants to feel like she is the world to you. She wants to know that she truly is the desire of your heart.

Now men, quit making excuses and go today and win your wife's heart over like it was the first day your eyes made contact. You can place a million things, people, sports, kids, guys, ministry, your stupid man cave, and half dozen other things in the way of you loving your wife, but she wants to know that she is everything.

Now get off the Internet and figure out what you are going to do today to capture her heart and make her feel like she is the only one in the world that matters.

No more excuses!

Coexisting or Married

Not sure, but if you are coexisting under the same roof with the person you call your husband or wife can this really be considered a marriage?

According to Wikipedia a marriage is an "interpersonal relationship" comprised of emotional, sexual, and spiritual intimacy (emphasis added).

Are you coexisting with your husband or wife? Or do you have an interpersonal relationship which more closely resembles a marriage.

In order to have a interpersonal relationship you must take time to invest in each other on a daily and weekly basis or otherwise you will become the couple who coexist together.

Coexisting is not what God intended when he established the marriage institution.

Are you married or coexisting?

Look in The Mirror

See that person in the mirror? Yeah, that's you!

You have a choice...

You can either make a positive step in the right direction.

Or you can go do nothing to change and go insane.

You...be the change!

Home Made Cards...

There is great joy in coming home to a sweet surprise and a little card that says, "Congratulations."

Last night I came home from counseling and had this card waiting for me. The card is way cool because she took time to make it and it is free. (We are frugal.)

I am looking forward to a special weekend because I have no idea what Jess has up her sleeve.

I am blessed to have a wife that takes time to invest in our relationship. I pray that I can do the same. Your marriage will last forever if each person is taking time to invest in the other.

May God continue to give us a marriage that reflects His will here on earth.

Are you investing in your spouse?

I must admit I am not the best at planning date nights for a number of reason. The primary reason would be we are very frugal in all aspects of our life which makes date nights difficult.

How much money do we spend? Where do we go? And the internal conflict that "fun" cost money. Being creative with date nights is half the enjoyment. You can read about Saturday's date night at Jessica's blog.

However, dating your spouse is just as important as saving money and investing in the future. If you are not investing money you will not have any when an emergency happens.

Life happens and I would rather be storing up investments in date nights to allow us to have extra savings for life. Date nights bring us closer to one another, which will allow us to walk through the storms of life and make it through stronger as a couple.

To often people neglect investing in one another and when the storm of life hits they have no "emergency investments" to help them walk through the storm.

Are you investing in your spouse?