Focus on You, Not Your Kids

Two area Dallas MFT's, fellow bloggers, and coffee drinkers Corey Allan and Rhett Smith echoed a similar voice today in their blog post. Essentially, stop wasting energy focusing on your kids and their potential problems. Focus on you and your marriage and make that relationship stronger and the latter issue with your son or daughter will resolve itself.

We all get trapped in this cycle that is familiar to family systems. Family system theory applies to most aspects of our life. In general, we often do not want to spend the necessary time and energy on ourselves and making sure we are healthy individuals. Instead, we will take our issues and transfer the energy to our kids and or other relationships in our life. Therefore, resulting in what Rhett calls placing our anxiety on our children. Take Corey's advice today on focus some much needed time and energy on you.

What do you enjoy doing and know that it is refreshing?

What steps do you need to take to allow space for this activity in your life?

Sharing Your Goals or Not?

Last year I got intense about making goals and new years resolution. In fact there were 7 general categories with 3 defined goals under each category. I accomplished many of those goals and failed on many more. I shared them with a close group of friends and asked for accountability. I had big dreams for 2010 and don't misunderstand; 2010 was a big year and I am truly thankful and blessed. However, one of my biggest mistakes might have been sharing my goals with others. Or at least that is what some people think. Watch the talk from Derek Sivers at TED below. Essentially once you share or state your goal or resolution you brain can sometimes function as if you actually have completed the goal.


What are your thoughts; to share your goals or not? I think there is a balance. However, I did not share my goals this year or make any detailed plan of major improvements.

You Might Be Boring

I know many people who read Donald Miller's blog, but some of you may not read his blog. Today's post from Donald Miller is a message that needs to be spread far and wide. If you like his post consider reading A Million Miles in a Thousand Years: What I Learned While Editing My Life.

Here is a snippet from his blog today. 

"And so I’ve started wondering if our addictions and our habits weren’t keeping us from wanting better ambitions, and if by not wanting better ambitions, we aren’t being robbed of great and fulfilling stories and lives."
Read the entire blog and leave a comment about how you will start to live a better story, not a boring story.

What one habit can you start that will help you create a better story?

Confusion and Milk

Have you had that experience before were you are pouring your milk for your cereal and then you go to put the milk away, but prior to setting the milk on the shelf you realize that you are about to put the milk on the wrong shelf.

When was the last time that something like this happened to you? You are putting the milk away and realize you are putting the milk in the pantry with the dry goods and not in the proper place in the refrigerator.

Don't you hate when you get confused?

No one really admits that they are confused.

When one admits to confusion, he admits to the fact that he lost control. 

The reality is that control is an illusion of one who is confused, but one can give an appearance of being in control if they never admit to confusion.

That's the thing I hate about putting the milk on the wrong shelf. I have to admit I am confused or lost control.

Where does confusion come from? Why would I put the milk on the wrong shelf?

Confusion comes from a lack of clarity.

Confusion comes from woundedness.

Confusion comes from admitting that one does not really have control.

Confusion comes from a lack of being present.

Confusion comes when we realize that the milk does not belong with the dry goods.

Book Review: Plan B by Pete Wilson

Have your dreams been shattered? Have you faced disappointments from your relationship? Tired of the self-help books that offer a "plan" but in reality the plan fails? Looking for a book that admits that life is difficult and many times there are not answers?

Pete Wilson author of Plan B: What Do You Do When God Doesn't Show Up the Way You Thought He Would? does not hold anything back in his debut book.

I have grown tired of books full of information that tell me to do this or that and how this is a proven path for your life. Pete does not make any false illusions or promises in Plan B. Throughout the book I was pulled into the narrative of people's stories and how their life appear to be falling apart. These gripping stories of death, drugs, and divorce (and others) will leave your heart yearning for the truths that are found in scripture. Pete does not leave the reader short with some pop culture psycho babel, but leads the reader straight towards stories in the Bible of heartache and disappointment. However, all of these stories lead the reader straight to the cross of Christ were all hope and restoration lies. Many times we believe that Christ removed this pain and agony from life as we know it, but the reality of restoration will not be know until we meet Christ on the other side of the grave. This would be a great book for small groups and classes to go deeper with one another as we learn to share our stories of hope and disappointments in the midst of our Plan B's. There are discussion questions at the end of the book for each chapter to be used personally or with a group. Thanks Pete for being honest and transparent about the realities of life, but pointing people towards Christ.








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--
This is another book from Thomas Nelson and Book Sneeze.

The Marriage Drift by David Goetz

 Here are a few quick quotes from a great article that everyone needs to read. If you don't invest in your marriage any other way this year read this article and contemplate the deep issues of your marriage.


"That's why the pursuit of marriage needs to be intentional. Because if you default to the values of our culture, you'll pursue the sprawling house, the great body, the accomplished kids. But you'll let your marriage drift."


"We do something only if it has concrete results. I pray about my marriage, but as soon as my husband doesn't meet my needs, I react as if my spiritual discipline has failed."


"There are two ways people change. One is through contemplative prayer, through making space for God in our lives. It isn't a direct correlation, but we learn about God, and about our own motives. But most of us don't pray. Let's face it. So how are we going to learn? The only other way is through suffering. And often men don't learn this until after the wife is gone."


"But many people design their own suffering by creating an environment in which they don't initiate. They create a passive-aggressive marriage. They create a marriage in which there's always some subtext as opposed to being open and honest and authentic."

Read the article for the entire context and understanding. 
 

Book Review: Your Love Path

Your LovePath

Joe Beam is a nationally recognized speaker and leader for marriages across the country. He is the creator of Love Path International  and founded Family Dynamics. (Fair trade disclosure: Joe sent this book to me a few weeks ago for a review and linking to his seminar of Love Path International.)

This has less to do with the book and the content of the book, but more so of what I continue to find among marriage, family, and self-help books. Most of them seem to lean heavily towards cognitive understanding and transformation and lack reaching the reader on an emotional level. That does not mean that this is not a good book. There is a huge need for cognitive restructuring when looking to improve one self or marriage.

Your LovePath is a great book to read and will lead you in the right direction to an intimate marriage. Joe does an outstanding job of making the material accessible to all readers. He combines his experience with saving marriages and evidence based research from guys like John Gottman. He weaves a few narrative examples throughout the book of couples that he has worked with and how they have implemented the steps in their marriage to save it from destruction. One of the highlights of the book is the chapter summary that you can review periodically to check and make sure you and your spouse are on the right path. This is one of the best books about marriage that cuts trough the "noise" and offers practical steps for all marriages. 

This book will get your marriage on the right path, but please understand one must do the work that Joe lays out in Your LovePath.If your marriage is on the brink of disaster check out his resources for seminars in Nashville, TN.

Nice Guys and Pornography

The effects of pornography are present even though pornography often happens in isolation. What is in the dark will become evident in the light and the lure of pornography is that one can escape into the darkness and not be found until...

Your nice guy syndrome is revealed. 

Nice guys are often crippled by the damaging effects of always taking care of everybody else. This creates a people pleasing anxiety for men and causes the nice guys to wear mask. Wearing the mask of people pleasing allows men to appear like they are caring and selfless, but behind the mask is the darkness of his loneliness and isolation.

When Mr. Nice Guy is pleasing others his thought process leads him to think about ways that he can take care of himself. On a cognitive level he may not process the event in this order, but emotionally he is feeling empty, because he is always pleasing others. This emptiness leads to a false reality and a false choice of choosing pornography over intimate relationships.

The path out of the nice guy syndrome and pornography is walking towards a relationship and becoming open and vulnerable despite what others may think. Being transparent and honest in relationships will lead to long term satisfaction. The darkness of pornography will continue to lead to short term gratification and disappointment, which will be exposed one day when your nice guy syndrome is revealed.


(Photo:eskim0j0 ) 

First Generation of Internet Users

Covenant Eyes is a leader in helping individuals find sexual purity. The following comes from one of their blog post:

Dr. Patrick Carnes, a leading national expert and author on pornography addiction, warns that America has a “social tsunami” coming. This first generation that has grown up with the Internet is now trying to form marriages, and some are finding they’re handicapped in their ability to form true, lasting intimacy within their relationships due to long-term exposure to pornography. 

One of my papers I wrote while I was working on my MS in Marriage and Family Therapy was the "Sexualization of America" and Dr. Carnes is spot on when he states a "social tsunami" is unfolding. 

My desire is to write a series of blog post on the cognitive and emotional level about pornography and sexual purity. I know this subject is not widely talked about, but I believe it is a subject that needs to be addressed as this first generation of Internet users try to navigate the future of intimate relationships.

What concerns you about the first generation of Internet users?

Change is Not Easily Measured

Change is subjective unless you have an objective that can be measured. For example, if I make a goal to lose 10 lbs I can measure that change objectively by stepping on a scale and measuring progress based on a number. However, if I desire to have better self-esteem about my weight that is subjective and cannot be as easily measured in time and space.

We often want to change based on a objective, weight lose is visible. Rarely do we desire to do the hard work that cannot be as easily seen, subjective. Or should I say we desire to change, but often times we are confused by defining subjective change.

So how do we measure subjective change? 

Can we measure change by a list of goals? Sure. I have my 2010 goals on my night stand right now.

If it is simply a list of goals, do we miss the overarching narrative of the story we are living and creating?

To some degree, if we are striving towards objectives that are easily measured the subjective nature of our inner being will slowly change, right?

Not sure, but what are your thoughts on change? Subjective and Objective change how do you measure it?



(photo: asifthebes)

Yardstick of Change

Inside a closet in my grandparents house there is a treasured wall in my heart. This wall has small lines from the the ground to the ceiling, (well not all the way to the ceiling). These lines have dates,  names, and numbers that mark a distinct spot. 

I recall my grandparents placing the yardstick in the closet to measure each line. Each line was a reminder of how much one of the grandchildren grew during a specific time. Typically this time spanned between 6 months to a year. The older we got the less marks each person had on the wall. Not that we did not want to be measured, but because there came a point for all of us that our vertical growing slowed down. After each time my grandparents "marked the spot" they would then use a yardstick to measure that line and proceed to write the height by your name and date.

I cherish this wall because I have the highest mark at 6' 4" and I can recall the days as a little child staring up at the wall inside that closest wondering how tall I would get.

The problem with that wall...is really my problem and our problem of how we measure change.

We all have a certain yardstick that we want to measure change by, but that disappoints us and it disappoints the one we are holding the yardstick up to.


How do we measure change?






(Picture: bubbels)

Everyone Communicates

Today you communicated in several hundred different ways. Not only verbal and nonverbal, but you communicated today via a mass array of social networking sites, email, texting, and possibly at least one phone conversation.

The reality is that we have many options when it comes to communicating with others, but we often lack the emotional connection of our communication.

Many times we confuse marital communication with connectedness. In other words it is easy to confuse connectedness with communication. Just because you are communicating does not mean you are connecting.

I can Tweet, text, email, or even post something on my Facebook wall, but the reality is few connect or interact and build upon that medium of communication.

The present reality in business, churches, marriages, and families, is that those who live a good story or make the world a better place will make connections, not just communication.

Go and make connections via your communication.

How would you define communication versus connection?


(Picture: fodor)

Family Dynamics Lives Up to the Name

My expectations for conferences, non-profits, and training seminars has been pushed to the next level thanks to the people at Family Dynamics and there passion for creating a unique environment for marriages to be "dynamic."

Jessica and I went this past weekend to a facilitator training and were totally impressed that we cannot help, but think about our future marriage and helping other marriages as well. How is it possible to go to a conference not knowing anyone and leave the conference feeling as if you have a deep connection with people? Why would we be willing to share with strangers about our marriage struggles and joys? Well, the unique approach combines cognitive learning with experimental learning and when these two collide together it creates the perfect catalyst for good marriages to become great and ok marriages to go to the next level. It is unlike anything I have experienced. Yes, I have been to marriage conferences. I am a cynic when it comes to retreats, and "life changing" mountain top experiences. Yes, I am a counselor and have been to counseling and this is more than counseling. I believe every marriage across the nation should attend this 8-week class. This will have an impact not only on you, but your entire family.


Who should use the material from Family Dynamic?
This material needs to be used by every church, church plant, non profit, counselors, and any agency wanting to strengthen marriage.

What one thing could someone do to enhance their marriage?
Attend a Dynamic Marriage class in your area.

What if I am not trying to enhance my marriage, but save it from disaster?
Go to a Save My Marriage intensive 3 day conference.

What if I have a desire for marriages what can I do?
Become a Dynamic Marriage facilitators.

I look forward to our new partnership together and the lives that will be changed by Family Dynamics.

Why should I invest in my marriage?

Last Friday night, right before I got smacked down with body aches, chills and a fever Jessica and I spent some time reading His Needs Her Needs and doing some worksheets together to invest in our marriage. This is not only for our marriage, but yours as well as we learn how to become facilitators of a Dynamic Marriage.

Take some time this year to invest in your marriage. Read a book and discuss it together. Find a workshop or seminar in your area to attend together. Even consider seeing a counselor for a few sessions. This small investment this year in your marriage will pay off huge dividends in the weeks and years to come.

You can not expect your marriage to change by doing the same thing. You are not crazy or weird if you go to a counselor. Marriage is a joy, but marriage can be emotionally exhausting if you are not growing individually and together.

You take your car in for an oil change and mainteance or maybe you even DIY. Well, why would you not do the same for your marriage?

Invest...change the oil...do something this year to have a Dynamic Marriage.

(Photo: shho)

Do you think it will ever change?

Last night Jessica asked me "Do you ever think there will be a change in Christians getting a divorce?" Yes and no. We live in a world of sin and often as Christians we don't even confront our own sin, which leads to repentance and realizing God's sovereign grace. There has got to be a radical change in our churches and communities about divorce, marriage and relationships in general. I went on to talk about the need for understanding, teaching, and modeling of healthy relationships.

Let's face it, we have all been an emotional train wreck at some point in our life. Where did you go? Who did you turn to? Was there a relationship in your life you could find support and empathy? I am not convinced that people know how to handle his or her emotions and become self aware of the deeper pain and issue of our need for a Savior. We turn to many various forms of sin to mask our emotional pain and the veneer of healing. Unfortunately because our hurts happen through relationships, we put walls to the healing that comes from relationships.

There must be a change in our churches across the nation to become a place of wounded healers. A place were we do not simply wipe the tears away and add on "I'll pray for you." Seems like to me there are people who desire relationships within our church walls, but few who reciprocate.

I desire community. I desire a place for wounded healers. I desire for a change in Christian marriages. I desire to be in relationship with God and others.

What are your thoughts about the Christian divorce rate?


(Photo: SXC)

Is it Really All Simple Vanity?

The other night as Jessica and I were doing some bedtime reading she began to read the following excerpt from Francine Rivers, A Voice in the Wind. The setting is Roman Empire 117 AD...or in manly words Gladiator times. The truth is echoing today in hearts and minds of families all across the world.

"How is it possible that you and I have two children who are opposed to everything we believe? What has happened to virtue and honor and ideals? One believes that nothing is true and anything is permitted. The other thinks that the only thing that matters is her pleasure. I've worked my entire life in order to give my children everything I never had at their age---wealth, education, position. And now I look at them and wonder if my life is simple vanity. They are selfish, without the least restrain upon their appetites. They haven't the smallest fiber of moral character."

His wife interjects and states..."Don't judge them so harshly. It's neither your fault, nor mine, nor theirs. It's the world they live in." "A world of whose making?" They want to be free of the old standards. Whatever feels good is right. Whoever stands in the way of their pleasures, they want destroyed. They demand the moral chains be removed and never understanding that it is moral restraint that keeps man civilized."

"What happens when all restraints are removed? I see our children consumed with watching blood be spilled in the arena. I see them seeking an unending diet of sensual pleasure. Where does it all lead? How can intemperate minds be free when they're slaves to their own passions."

(Photo courtesy of our Europe trip this past summer.)

Spice Up Your Life and Marriage

Do you look for ways to save money in your family?

Have you tried to be creative on a date and failed?

Do you like to eat good food with your spouse?

Would you like a more meaningful and intimate relationship with your spouse?

My guess is that you at least answered yes to 3 of the 4 questions and more than likely answered YES to all 4.

Here is a few quick steps to create an environment to connect with your spouse, while understanding the importance of intention and actions.

We often become mindless in our relationships to one another and neglect the importance of living with thoughtful actions for one another. Of course we all fall into the category of thinking about doing something meaningful for our significant other and we live our lives with good intentions. However, if there is no follow through on your intentions then you are lacking true connection and spice in your life and marriage.

Our marriages and relationship often become based on a false reality of judging ourselves by our intentions, but we judge others by their actions. So, if this is true then how are others judging you? Yep, that's right they are judging you by your actions or lack thereof.

Spicing up your life and marriage is as simple as moving from thoughtful intentions to meaningful actions.

Here is a sure fire way to start living out your intentions by adding a little spice.

This could happen over the course of two weeks possibly depending on time and varying levels to make if fit for you. (This is a template to get you started not a rule book.)

Go to your local bookstore and spend the evening in the cookbook section with your spouse. The goal and purpose of this first encounter together is to locate a cookbook for your spouse with recipes they would enjoy, but are different from your typical meals or restaurant you may frequent. You will share with one another why you picked the particular book and recipes. You could get very specific at this point and describe how each course of the menu reminds them of your spouse. After sharing the book and recipes together, mutually decide on which cookbook to buy to plan a meal for the following week. This book will serve you for many months and years to come, it is a small investment into your marriage.

During the week depending on schedules, activities, and daily lives plan another evening shopping together for the menu for your special night. This may be an enlightening period for you depending on your shopping habits and routines. Allow flexibility, patience, and understanding to permeate the shopping experience. Remember this is building meaningful and thoughtful action, not just a quick trip to the store together.

At this point hopefully you have already planned the special night that both of you will spend in the kitchen together sizzling up the finest cuisine in town that no money can buy. Lighten up and have fun. If you screw the meal up who cares, it makes a memorable story. Have fun and spice up the night.

Over the course of a two week period of time you have made several meaningful connections with your spouse that engages all the senses and relational needs. Now your intentions have become a reality by following a simple way to a more fulfilling and dynamic marriage.

May these quick tips and education allow you to live out your intentions while fulfilling the needs and desires of your spouse.

(Photo: wmstadler)

The Language of Love and Respect: Book Review

The Language of Love and Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs
Cracking the Communication Code with Your Mate

Really, 300 pages over communication with your spouse could have been easily cut to 150 pages. This a good practical book, but is wordy. Dr. Emerson Eggerichs bases this book off of his popular Love and Respect book and seminars and has some good little nuggets, but easily gets overlooked in the length of the book.

As a growing Marriage and Family Therapist I try to stay aware of good books to recommended outside the counseling time with clients. This book does not make the list. Not that the book is invaluable, but if communication is the issue being addressed more words does not mean that you have communicated to your audience effectively.

Dr. Eggerichs comes across very sincere and practical in his writing style, but overuses the 1st person analogy, stories, and anecdotes. At times I feel as if he is trying to applaud the success of the Love and Respect principal. I do not doubt or discredit any of his work, but this book would serve others better if the length of the book was cut.

However, this book will benefit my personal understanding of the Love and Respect principal found in Ephesians 5:33 and I will be able to use the practical side of some of his acronym's he uses to help couples focus, but would not pass this book on to others.

This is another Thomas Nelson Book Review.

(Or better known as BookSneeze.com as of today Jan 12, 2010)

Counterfeit Gods Book Review

Yesterday spending some time with a friend and talking over coffee we got into a small conversation with a couple sitting at a near by table about the great outdoors and the various options we have to enjoy here in Las Vegas. The conversation eventually led to the status question, "So what do you do?" This is how the next few minutes played out about "Sin City" and the grace that we have found.

"What do you think about Las Vegas?"

"I think it leaves people feeling empty."

"It does not leave me empty and I have lived here my whole life."

Possibly that was my response in light of finishing Counterfeit Gods this week.

Empty.

That is what idols do to your mind, body, and soul.

However, many us do not want to wrestle with the idols of our life and come to grips that many times as Christians we put our hope in the same thing the world does, but we try to masquerade it as blessings or put some nice Bible jargon on our language.

Timothy Keller hits hard and to the point. He does not waste time trying to sugar coat the idols in our life, but keeps this book brief and to the point. In the psychological world we often hide behind mental health classifications or label something as an addiction, co dependency, or even depression. These are all very real issues, but lets keep it simple and call it an idol.

Although the brevity of the book will mislead some, the depth will take you by storm. Don't read this book if you want to be set free from a life of emptiness.

Counterfeit Gods: The Empty Promises of Money, Sex, and Power and the Only Hope that Matters by Timothy Keller

So what do I think about Las Vegas...it will leave you longing for the grace of God and the only hope that matters.

May this book point you closer to the cross of Christ and the hope of the resurrection.

7 Elements to 2010

I have spent time during December and this week thinking about 2010 and the story I want to create within the context of God's bigger story of redeeming man. The story is not complete, but I have narrowed down 7 elements that need to be in my 2010 story.

Spiritual

• How does my relationship with Christ grow this year?

Martial

• What can I do to build upon 5 great years of marriage as I invest in Jessica and our marriage?

Relational

• Who do I need to go deeper with in our relationship and who needs to be reached out to for a deeper relationship?

Physical

• What do I want to accomplish in my new passion of endurance events?

Occupational

• How can I become the best therapist and minister with the gifts God has given me?

Financial

• What debts do we have and how can we save and give more?

Personal

• What are the uncharted territories that I have only dreamed about and now it is time to start?

Within these 7 elements I narrowed the focus after pondering over these areas by listing 3 ideas under each one. This is continued work in progress this week and I will share more about my 2010 story and some of the more well defined areas after talking with Jessica and several friends who are going through their own process of creating a meaningful 2010.

(Image: Trond Gjerde)